Back in Rhode Island
by restive
Summary: Bellamy and Clarke reconnect after years of not talking, and Clarke realises her feelings for Bellamy are still there. But nothing is simple with these two.


**This story is basically a wild mix of my personal life experiences and Hailee Steinfeld's _Let Me Go_. Complete trash, read at your own risk. (P.S. No Becho/Echo negativity, please.)**

* * *

In retrospect, Clarke thinks she always knew (or at least hoped) that she would get to reconnect with Bellamy Blake one day. It seemed like one of those inevitable things that would just happen when it would, with no need to rush it on her part. She always liked to think, presumptuously enough, that it would be one of those moments where he sees her looking all adult and sophisticated and dignified, and is impressed both by her looks and achievements – and with the amount of crap she had gotten from him back when they were close, she completely deserves that. But she never thought it would happen so soon and without any forewarning.

So, when Raven finds her on their living room sofa one afternoon, reading _The House of the Seven Gables_ for her American Gothic Fiction class (by this point, Raven has already given her crap for starting on the reading list before the first day of term, so there's no further comment from her on it now), and says, "We're invited to a party tonight," Clarke doesn't suspect a thing.

"Uh huh," is her only response, and she doesn't even look up from her book because there, Phoebe is about to meet Mr Holgrave, and frankly, Clarke is captivated.

"You'll never guess who invited us."

"Who?"

"Baby Blake."

Now _that_ makes Clarke almost drop her book. She stares at Raven for a few seconds, dumbfounded. "You mean _the_ baby Blake? Octavia Blake? The one we went to dance school with?"

"That's the one."

Clarke likes to think that she shares somewhat of a history with the Blakes, at the same time suspecting that both of them see her merely as someone they used to know. The main connection they shared back then was that they went to the same dance school together, and Bellamy was Clarke's ballroom partner. Raven danced with Finn Collins – someone who ended up two-timing her and Clarke a few years later, and so his is a name they don't tend to mention.

Octavia, however, was three years younger and in a different age group, but between practices and performances and competitions, Clarke and Raven spent a lot of time with Bellamy, and wherever Bellamy went, Octavia followed.

Clarke now looks at that as a happy time, with shiny shoes and sparkling costumes, dance routines and bickering with Bellamy over who gets the window seat on the bus. It was a fun way to escape the pressure of her pushy mother and other family problems.

Last time she saw or heard from Octavia and Bellamy Blake was eight years ago, when both of them packed up and moved somewhere upstate New York – when their mother died and they had to move in to live with their grandparents. And Octavia has always been one of those people who sever ties simply because there's no real possibility of further communication or friendship. She's a realist, not one to attempt to make things work over the internet.

Clarke never stayed in contact with Bellamy either, because… Well, there wasn't any real reason to it, just that she was a stubborn little ass back then, and she and Bellamy always had that frenemy dynamic that everyone found amusing but didn't expect to turn into anything meaningful or real. When they all found out about the move, Clarke knew she would miss them both, but that wasn't something she was willing to admit, so she never attempted to contact either of them.

As far as Clarke knows, the only person in their home town who remained in contact with him was Raven, only because she had a crush on Bellamy back then, and unsurprisingly, he felt the same. It never turned into anything serious for many reasons, but mainly because of their age: Raven, then a thirteen-year-old, although a little less categorical about severing ties than Octavia, had other things to worry about, rather than a long-distance 'boyfriend' (and Bellamy, being fourteen, wasn't much more driven either). Raven kept their contact, though, and they exchanged good wishes for birthdays and big holidays. By talking to Bellamy, she also partially remained in Octavia's life.

"Is she back in Rhode Island?"

"Both of the Blakes are back in Providence, yes. Octavia got into Brown and just moved into Minden Hall; I bumped into her outside of the Sciences Library."

"How did you even recognise her?"

"I follow her on Instagram, so I know what she looks like now. And it's not like she's changed that much; the face is pretty much the same. I thought you follow her, too."

"Oh, right," 'recalls' Clarke. "Who would've thought?" she murmurs, surprised.

"Oh, stop it," Raven rolls her eyes. "I know you hated Bellamy back then, but surely both of you are mature enough to get over it now. Octavia is certainly looking forward to seeing you."

The problem is that she never _actually_ hated Bellamy. As a typical overachiever, she always wanted to win the competitions they took part in, and every time they didn't, she would blame Bellamy. It felt right back then: he was a little clumsy, didn't pick up the routines as easily as Clarke did, and didn't have much of a knack for rhythm. It makes no sense to her now. They were just kids doing some extra-curricular activity for fun and general fitness, there was no pressure from her parents for any results, and their dance teacher was as sweet as can be, never making them feel bad for not doing well. But Clarke always felt compelled to take her annoyance out on Bellamy, and that's how their 'hatred' for each other started.

The problem is that all that time ago, she actually liked him. He was a year older, he was funny and cute, and every time he'd spin her in a waltz routine, she felt like she was a movie heroine. But that is something that it took her years to admit to herself, and no other person in the world knows about it.

"It's not my fault we hated each other!" stubbornly replies Clarke, snapping her book shut in irritation. "We never won a single medal, and it annoyed me."

Raven rolls her eyes. "It wasn't because of Bellamy, and you know it. It was because our dance school was bad. Remember Roma and Sterling? They were really focused on doing well, and so they transferred from our school to the one in Elmhurst. Ours just didn't train us to the kind of level that would get us medals. And I think that's a good thing because at least we had fun."

Clarke sighs. "You're right."

"Anyway, Octavia said that Bellamy is going to be at the party! He's bringing his girlfriend as well; he's been dating her for like five years now, and she's really hot."

Clarke knows. She did some social media stalking about a year back, when Octavia requested to follow her on Instagram, and Clarke followed back. The thing now stuck in her memory is the post on Bellamy's Facebook timeline (she never sent a friend request) announcing that he is in a relationship with a certain Echo, and everyone commenting under it about how it's weird that they've been dating since high school but only put it on Facebook now. Echo's response to that was that it took her years to convince him to make a Facebook account.

Clarke doesn't know why she looked him up or why she even remembers this.

"And we have to go?" Clarke whines, covering her face with her book.

"Yes we do," Raven yanks the book away. "You're going to go and you will be nice to Octavia and Bellamy because they're new in town, and Octavia is just starting college. It's a stressful time for them both."

"They're not new in town, they moved back. And anyway, isn't the point of social life in college to meet _new_ people? She already knows us, that defeats the purpose of it."

"Old connections count, too. And she can meet Monty, Jasper and Murphy. She told me to bring as many people as I wanted. And so I will."

Clarke lets out a disgruntled, "Fine," and opens her book again, planning on resuming her reading.

"We leave at 9pm on the dot. No excuses," Raven says, getting up from the sofa and disappearing in the corridor.

Clarke's loud and stubborn, "Fine!" is only met with the slam of Raven's bedroom door.

* * *

Getting ready for this party feels weird to Clarke, mainly because she notices herself fretting about what to wear, and what to do with her eyeshadow, and what lipstick to choose, and all of that for much longer than usual (if she ever actually worries about that stuff), and she starts to quietly hate herself for it.

Raven doesn't seem concerned at all and just wears jeans, a black tank top and her signature red bomber jacket. Clarke wishes she could be that confident.

In the end, Raven has to practically drag her there, but when they arrive, Clarke sighs in relief when she sees Wells.

"I invited him," Raven says with a proud smile.

"Thank you."

Wells is her best panacea, pretty much a human version of a band aid, and with him here Clarke won't have to face Bellamy and his girlfriend alone.

"Hey, Clarke, how—" Wells doesn't get a chance to finish that sentence, because Clarke immediately hugs him. "Someone's stressed," he observes, not breaking the hug.

"I'm so happy you're here."

"She's stressed about seeing Bellamy again," Raven explains, not looking up from her phone. "You guys stay here; I'll go get Murphy – he can't find the right building."

"Sure," says Wells and tries to disentangle himself from Clarke, but she doesn't let him. "Oh, we're still hugging. Okay."

She laughs softly at that and lets him go.

"Why are you worried about seeing him? Is that the guy you used to have a crush on during that whole ballroom dancing era?"

"What—" Clarke opens her mouth without any words coming out for a few moments. "How did you—"

Wells gives her a sarcastic smile, "I've only known you for an eternity. And anyway, you should've seen your face when we were playing truth or dare at my birthday party junior year of high school, and Raven said Bellamy Blake was her first kiss. You looked like you wanted to murder her."

"Does anyone else know?" she asks, horrified.

"No, I'm pretty sure no one does. It's just me and my amazing people-reading skills."

Clarke crosses her arms like a stubborn kid.

"No need to stress, though," Wells says, clearly trying to diffuse the situation.

"Well, forgive me for hating the fact that I have to see him again like this."

"Like this?"

"Yeah," she shrugs. "You know, with those extra ten pounds of fat still on my body, without my pretty laminated dream hair, etc., etc."

Wells frowns. "First of all, you should really consider rethinking your entire self-image. And secondly, it's been like ten years! He'll just look and see how hot you are now compared to the scrawny kid he remembers."

"You should see how hot _he_ is," she complains. "And his girlfriend, too. She's like on a whole other level."

"Not a competition."

"I know, I know. You're right," Clarke concedes. "Do keep saying reasonable things to me over the course of the evening, please."

"My pleasure."

After that they're joined by Raven and Murphy, the latter seeming a little out of breath and complaining about Raven always pretty much running up any flight of stairs. Clarke and Wells just exchange sarcastic smiles at that.

But then, when they're in the middle of a discussion of whether Jules Verne's books can still be exciting to a modern reader (Raven and Wells insisting that they aren't as cool anymore because all of the things he describes already exist and don't seem like magic in 2019, and Clarke (and Murphy begrudgingly agreeing with her) saying that it is important to put yourself in a contemporary reader's mind set when reading any book, and so his novels are just as exciting now as in the 19th century), Octavia Blake shows up. She comes to say hello to Raven, and Clarke immediately recognises her, of course, because how could she not? She's the same baby Octavia who practically forced them all to be friends with her, except now she's taller, and also hot. Very hot.

"Clarke!" she exclaims, seeming excited, when she notices her. Clarke doesn't even get a chance to say anything before Octavia's hugging her. "It's great to see you!" she says and lets her go.

"You too," she smiles, and it feels genuine. She's glad to see the little Blake, and she kind of wishes they remained friends before.

"Look at you! I mean, you look amazing on your Instagram, but it's nothing compared to the real-life version! And that haircut! I love it, makes your eyes even bigger and bluer than before."

"Thank you," Clarke laughs softly. Octavia's compliments tend to make people feel amazing about themselves because of how sincere she sounds whenever she says anything. "You're quite a beauty yourself," she says, a little awkward and struggling to express herself.

Octavia waves her off. "I did get on puberty's good side eventually."

Everyone smiles at that because that's how Octavia is. A little firework and ray of sunshine, lighting up everyone around her.

They don't talk for long. She gets introduced to Murphy and Wells, tells everyone she's happy they came, and then she's off, making her presence felt amongst other people.

Raven watches her walk away for a moment, and then turns to Clarke. "So, you're less stressed now? That went well."

"Yeah, I actually missed her a lot. In the way you don't realise you miss something until it's right in front of you."

"I agree, she tends to make people feel that way," Raven nods.

"I'm still not happy about having to see Bellamy," Clarke grumbles, but with less meaning to it by now, more out of a general need to complain about it. "I honestly feel like his personality is completely incompatible with mine, and by now we don't even know how to be around each other anymore, so we'll probably start arguing immediately. And you know him, he'd never admit to it being his fault even partially—"

Clarke halts there because she sees Raven's face change from annoyed to horrified in a matter of a few seconds, and she's at something behind her back. Something tells Clarke that means, in the best way the universe can show one a middle finger, that the object of discussing is standing behind her back.

She turns to see, and sure enough, it's him, his girlfriend Echo in tow. They're both looking at her, Bellamy seemingly amused, with an eyebrow raised, and Echo has one of those impenetrable stares that communicates to Clarke that she is deeply unimpressed.

Never has she wished for the earth to swallow her whole quite this much.

"Bellamy," Clarke says, her face heating up with colour.

"Princess," he responds, his tone unfriendly. "I guess it's nice to know that some things never change," he looks away after that. "Raven! How are you?"

Bellamy and Raven hug, then he introduces Echo to her, and Raven, in turn, introduces Murphy and Wells. They make small talk for a while, and the conversation, despite Raven's attempts, doesn't include Clarke even once. After that, Bellamy says he needs to speak to his sister and disappears together with Echo.

Clarke turns to look at her friends, lets out a mock-relieved sigh and claps her hands together. "Well, I guess we can say that I sufficiently screwed that up."

Raven gives her a rueful smile, Murphy hides his face in the plastic cup he's holding, and Wells just nods. No one disagrees.

* * *

After the party, Raven goes over to Murphy's place, and Wells comes home with Clarke to discuss the events of the night over some ice cream.

"So much for impressing Bellamy," Clarke says regretfully over a mouthful.

"Well, he's probably impressed by how long you can hold onto grudges."

She gives Wells an unimpressed stare, and he shrugs, all innocence.

"First of all, not funny. Secondly, I'm not holding any grudges."

"You do seem awfully annoyed with him."

"I'm not annoyed with him!" she exclaims, maybe a little too forcefully, and Wells raises his spoon in mock-surrender. "I'm annoyed with myself."

"Why?"

"Well, why is he dating that girlfriend of his? And why does she look like that? And why am I even bothered by that, still, so many years later? I mean, I don't even know what kind of person he is now. For all I know, he could be some kind of sexist republican who supports Trump."

"Raven says he's great," says Wells.

"Not helping."

"Sorry."

Clarke is silent for a few moments, thinking things over. "I just always thought," she continues, "that if anyone got to be with Bellamy, it would be me. Because we'd be perfect for each other. Even when I was 13, I thought that. And I know it's ridiculous and that he's not an object, and that it's been almost a decade since we had any kind of relationship that even resembled friendship. But that feeling never went away. And I hate it."

"Well, you know what they say: admitting you have a problem is the first step in fixing it," reasonably says Wells. "Maybe just… Don't try to get close to him. It won't be the same it was when you were kids, anyway. And besides, Raven wants to be friends with the Blakes, and if you're uncomfortable around them, it would make things uncomfortable for her, too. So try to be civil, but distant."

"That makes sense," Clarke admits, setting down the spoon and getting up from her chair. "Thank you."

"No problem."

She wonders how he always has good advice to give, and also what she did to deserve him. They fall asleep talking about completely random topics, and Clarke feels forever grateful to have a friend like Wells.

* * *

The next morning (or more like one in the afternoon), when Raven returns, Clarke is in the living room, painting her nails.

"Glad to see you're up," Raven says, cheerful as always. "Do you have any plans for lunch?"

Clarke blows on the nails on her right hand. "No, why?"

"Octavia asked if you wanted to meet up for lunch. She said bring Wells."

"Are you and Murphy invited?"

"Yeah."

"Okay."

Raven looks at Clarke with suspicion. "And you're not going to argue?"

"Nope."

"Won't try to come up with excuses?"

"Na-ah."

"Whatever happened to Clarke Griffin?"

Clarke shrugs. "She actually thinks having lunch with Octavia Blake is a good idea. I'll text Wells."

"Sure. Bellamy's not coming, by the way. Try not to get too excited about that."

"I'll do my best."

The lunch ends up going very well. Octavia has a lot of funny stories to tell from the years in which they haven't spoken, and the warmth and affection with which she mentions her grandparents give Clarke an impression that both she and Bellamy were happy living with them. She's glad, and she tells Octavia so.

It becomes a weekly thing, although without Wells and Murphy. It becomes the time when Octavia, Raven and Clarke get to enjoy one another's company without the presence of men. Thankfully, that includes Bellamy.

Him Clarke almost never sees and only hears about when Octavia mentions him in passing. Once the semester starts, she pretty much throws herself into her workload, predictably stressed about it being her last year of college, so she has no time to go to parties or spend too much time with their friendship group. Raven does from time to time, and Octavia, it seems, has the busiest social calendar Clarke has heard of.

From what Octavia mentions of Bellamy, he's not much of a party goer either. She says he enjoys working at a bank, although it's not something he thinks he will do for the rest of his life. She completely fails any attempts to explain what is it exactly that his job entails. Clarke does her best not to ask questions, and her communications with Bellamy are limited to the few times in the next month when he picks up Octavia's phone because she's busy doing something else, and they exchange some small talk about his work and the classes Clarke is taking. It's a little unsettling how impersonal it is, but Clarke follows Wells's advice and doesn't push for anything more. Bellamy seems content to do the same and treat her with a polite, but cold attitude.

Clarke, in turn, refrains from asking Octavia about Bellamy except in situations where it would impolite not to. It isn't until mid-October that, during one of their weekly lunches, in one of Octavia's monologues on Bellamy's constant parenting of her, Clarke catches onto her saying something that resembles, "and with Echo gone, he's even worse—"

"Echo's gone?" she asks, surprised.

"Yeah," Octavia blinks in confusion. "I thought I told you. She's doing her Masters in PPE at some university in London. She left late September."

"For a year?"

"I'm pretty sure, yeah."

The main Clarke would like to know is what that means for Echo and Bellamy's relationship, but asking that outright seems like a recipe for disaster, and she can't come up with a way to discuss it without it being weird.

"That does sound like a perfect degree for her," Raven comments.

"Doesn't it?" Octavia says excitedly. "She said she wasn't sure about the Econ side of it, but I think she can handle it, she took a lot of Maths classes at college—"

Clarke makes an unsuccessful attempt to keep participating in the conversation, but Octavia starts talking about an acting class she's taking, and Clarke inadvertently tunes it out.

When she's back at home and Raven is gone to see Murphy, she calls Wells.

"Did you know Echo's in London?"

"Uh, yeah," Wells says, sounding cautious and probably hoping to avoid a possible argument. "Octavia told me."

"And for an entire year! Why did no one say anything?"

"What's the difference? I thought you were following my advice and keeping a good distance from him."

"I am, I just," she waves her hand in the air, choosing her words, "it just seems like the sort of information that should've reached me."

"Sorry, I didn't want to cause… exactly this reaction."

"What reaction?"

"You know, the confused blabbering and weird accusations."

Clarke sighs. "You're right. I don't know why I'm taking it this way. Sorry."

"No problem."

There's a pause. "Do you— Are they—"

"They're not broken up, no. They're doing the whole long distance thing."

"Let me guess, Octavia told you?"

"Yep."

Clarke huffs impatiently. "I hate this. It just seems like with the Blakes here, all of my friends are suddenly their friends. Raven's more distant than ever. I don't remember when was the last time I spent time with her alone. Considering we live together, I don't even know how that can be."

"Actually, I think it's you who's been distant. All you do lately is study. You've bailed on all the movie nights, too."

"That's because they involve Bellamy now."

"Well, maybe you shouldn't go out of your way to avoid him? Because it's getting a little ridiculous."

"As per your advice. I can't believe you're going back on is now."

"I'm not. I'm still saying you shouldn't try be friends with him, but that doesn't mean you should lose the friends you already have. There's no need to go from one extreme to another."

Clarke can't help but admit he's right. Maybe she did go a little too far with this whole staying away thing.

"Fine. I'll talk to Raven tonight, see how she feels."

"And you'll make more of an effort to be involved?"

"Yes."

"Good. And stop stressing about random things."

"Deal."

* * *

The next few months are a blur. Clarke does a much better job of keeping a balance between all the studying and stressing and her social life. Somewhere within the routine, Thanksgiving comes and goes, and then it's finals and Christmas break.

Being a local, Clarke only goes home for the actual Christmas and a few subsequent days, and then returns to her and Raven's place under the pretences of it being the last semester of college and the need get on with the whole job applications shenanigans. Which is true, Clarke does start that process, but the main reason is because she wants to escape the huge empty house that her home is.

She brings back from home a few of her childhood photo albums, feeling like doing some reminiscing. She spends a very long time just looking through the photographs of her with her father throughout her early childhood. Her favourite picture is the one that states "November 1997" on the back of it, and it's where Clarke is just a baby, just a few hours out of the delivery room, wrapped in a pink blanket, and her father holding her to his chest and looking at her tiny face in reverence.

There's also some pictures featuring Wells: him and Clarke holding hands on their first day of elementary school, then one of his birthdays where he, with a paper crown on his head, is blowing out the candles on a huge cake, and one of their joint project winning a medal at their school's science fair. They're all good memories.

Then she starts on the album with dance school photographs, and it is a huge one that features her at various stages during her ballroom dancing obsession from the age of five to about sixteen, when she had dropped most of her extra-curriculars to focus on studying. There is a lot of pictures with Raven and Finn, some with Octavia on them, but Bellamy Blake keeps showing up almost constantly, except for the ones on which Clarke is alone. A lot of them are cute and funny, like the one where Clarke is wearing one of her favourite dresses — it was long, light blue and had chiffon sleeves that would flow every time she spun in the dance — and Bellamy is in a tuxedo with a bowtie that is fastened so tight that Clarke wonders how he could breathe. They both look very solemn and proud because, as she can remember now, this was the first time they were performing Viennese waltz, and it made them feel very grownup and mature. The picture makes Clarke remember how romantic it felt, dancing the Viennese waltz as a twelve-year-old girl with a crush on her partner, with Bellamy spinning her and lifting her up into the air like she weighed nothing. The memories make her feel warm inside.

There's another good one, with a little seven-year-old Bellamy being silly and making some ridiculous face right into the camera while Clarke is a little further in the background, Bellamy and Octavia's mother standing behind her and setting her hair into an elaborate up-do, just before another one of their performances.

Clarke knows she shouldn't, but she can't help herself, and she snaps a picture of that and sends it to the groupchat she, Raven and Octavia talk in. Both of them respond in a mix of emojis including heart eyes, love hearts and laughing faces. Clarke puts her phone away after that.

The last picture that has Bellamy on it is the one to which Clarke thinks she is the most attached. It was taken on Raven's first iPhone, and Clarke remembers her father insisting on printing it off to have a physical copy, to which she responded by calling him a nerd. It was taken at the Providence Train Station on the day the Blakes left Rhode Island for eight years to come. On it, Clarke and Bellamy are hugging, Bellamy's eyes shut firmly, and Octavia standing next to the pair of them with a smile on her face. Clarke even remembers the way she felt at that moment: there was this huge crushing weight in her chest that she couldn't quite place.

She feels stupid now. Because of her pride, she lost a great friend. The magnitude of what she did back then only becomes clear to her now: she's lost him forever.

* * *

Raven arrives later that night, back from spending the break with Murphy at his apartment, and the two of them get Chinese food and watch the first Harry Potter movie, mostly talking over it and making constant remarks as to the quality of filming and the actors' performances.

At the point where Hermione is explaining to Harry and Ron about Nicolas Flamel and the philosopher's stone, Clarke gets a text from an unknown number.

_I would appreciate it if you didn't send people compromising pictures of me, Princess_.

While Clarke is busy staring at the message and not knowing what to do, she gets another.

_This is Bellamy, by the way._

She can't help but roll her eyes at that. Calling her "Princess" is a signature in its own right.

"Hey, attention on the screen!" says Raven. She always takes watching movies weirdly serious. She's allowed to make endless comments and distract you, but you're never allowed to get distracted yourself.

"Sorry," Clarke says and mutes her phone. It takes her a few minute to be able to concentrate on the movie again.

After Raven's fallen asleep on the sofa, Clarke turns off the TV and goes to her bedroom. Once in bed, she opens the texts and stares at them again for a few minutes. Then, after saving his number, she responds with:

_How did you get my number?_

He answers after two minutes.

**Bellamy Blake:** _Take an educated guess._

**Me:** _Octavia?_

**Bellamy Blake:** _Bingo._

**Me:** _Yeah, sorry, my mother found some old photo albums in the attic and I brought them back here. But I've already looked through all of them, and that's the only picture I wanted to share, so don't worry. It won't happen again._

She hopes that will end their conversation because it's making her feel funny in a lot of different ways, but mainly it really goes against the whole staying away plan.

**Bellamy Blake:** _Good to know._

There. Now the conversation is over, and everything is back to normal, and they both can go back to pretending the other doesn't exist.

With those thoughts, she puts her phone away and gets up to go to the bathroom to take a shower before bed, but to her surprise, when she comes back, there's two more notifications, and both of them are from Bellamy.

The first notification is that he sent an image. The other is a text.

**Bellamy Blake:** _Be honest, does he look like me?_

The picture is of a lemur sticking out his tongue, and Clarke has to admit it does remind her of Bellamy on the photo she sent to Raven and Octavia earlier that evening. The thought makes her giggle and, after putting her hair into a braid, she settles into bed again to respond.

**Me:** _Not at all, he lacks your natural charisma_

**Bellamy Blake:** _You're too generous to trifle with me._

Clarke rolls her eyes at that. Only Bellamy would quote _Pride and Prejudice_ in a normal, everyday conversation.

It's then that she realises that she's actually having a normal, everyday conversation with Bellamy, and that makes her heart beat faster with trepidation. Maybe she can be friends with him after all.

* * *

By the time January goes and February rolls around, Clarke gets progressively more and more stressed. She isn't sure what she wants to do with the rest of her life, but she is sure that she doesn't want to go to medical school like her mother wishes she would. She applies to every single job in the creative sector that she can find, it feels, and then just waits to hear back from them. She decides that she will get them and then decide what she wants to do with them.

Meanwhile, her relationship with Bellamy remains largely the same. They share a few more conversations like the one involving the lemur picture, but their real life interactions still border on small talk and continue to be relatively tense. Clarke doesn't let it bother her anymore, she has too many things to worry about to concentrate on that. And she really feels like she's getting over Bellamy.

It isn't until a few days after Valentine's that things change. It's a late evening, and she's right in the middle of doing laundry when she gets a call from Wells who immediately starts talking at her as soon as she picks up.

"Bellamy and Echo broke up," he says in an urgent tone.

"What?" Clarke stops folding her laundry and sits down on the sofa. "Are you sure?"

"Yep. Octavia said Echo's staying in England permanently because she got this amazing job offer that she couldn't say no to, so they decided to split up."

"Why did she even apply for that job if she was planning to return to the States?" Clarke wonders.

"Apparently, she didn't think she would get it, it was such a long shot."

"According to Octavia."

"Yep."

"Octavia sure does talk a lot lately," Clarke can't help but smile at that softly.

"Well, aren't you going to thank the bearer of good news?" Wells says, and she just knows that he's wiggling his eyebrows as he's saying that.

"What? No! How is that good news? That's horrible! Bellamy must be crushed."

"Obviously, but didn't you want them to break up? You kept demanding from the universe why he's dating her at all."

"I don't feel that way anymore," Clarke sighs.

"You're over him?" he sounds surprised.

"I think so. I'm not sure."

There's a pause, like Wells doesn't know what to say to that.

"Well, I'm glad you're being mature about this."

"Yeah, unlike _you_! Did you run to call me as soon as you found out?" she asks, trying to make it not sound like an accusation.

"Hey, you always complain that no one tells you anything. So I brought you the news as soon as I got them. You can thank me later."

"Thank you," Clarke giggles.

"No problem."

She thinks the conversation and the news over for a few minutes after that and gets on with her own business.

A few hours later, there's a knock on their front door. Thinking that Raven forgot her key once again, Clarke flings it open without looking through the peephole and freezes when she sees that it's Bellamy. She suddenly feels self-conscious about wearing a tank top with no bra underneath it and sleep shorts that expose more skin than they cover.

It doesn't help that Bellamy gives her a quick yet noticeable look over.

"Hey," she says, still confused as to what he's doing at her front door.

"Hey, sorry to just show up unannounced. Is Octavia here by any chance? She's not answering her phone, and I don't know where else she could be, I've looked everywhere."

Clarke can't help but notice how tired he looks. Tired and just plain _sad_. Like the entire world just crushed onto his shoulders.

"No, she's not here, but come in, I'll try to help you to locate her."

"That's fine, I don't want to impose, I think I'm just—" he starts to waive her off.

"Bellamy," Clarke says and gives him what she hopes is a warm smile. "Not an imposition."

He purses his lips, then nods. "Okay."

Bellamy follows her into the living room as Clarke looks for her phone.

"I'm just going to text Raven and see if she knows where Octavia is. If she doesn't, Monty and Jasper definitely do. It's Thursday night, so she's probably at some party. Would you like some coffee while you wait?"

She shoots off a few quick texts, first to Raven, then to Monty and the last one to Octavia herself, just in case.

Clarke turns to look at him to see his reaction only to notice that the sadness in him has only intensified. She thinks about how much it hurt her when Finn two-timed her and Raven and how much it sucked when Lexa broke up with her to go to a prestigious art school in California, and how horrible Bellamy must feel now after breaking up with his girlfriend of five years. A girl he loved for five years of his life.

She comes over to him and hugs him. He freezes for a few moments, as if he doesn't quite know how to react or what to do with his body — and Clarke doesn't blame him, she's probably the last person he'd expect a hug from — but then he relaxes and, letting out a deep sigh, hugs her back. It suddenly feels like they're just kids again, and all those years in which they didn't talked hadn't really happened. She breathes in the familiar smell that remained pretty much the same but now has the additional notes of cologne, which makes him smell more like a man than a boy. They keep hugging each other for a long time, refusing to let go.

"It's going to be okay," she tells him. "It'll be okay."

"Octavia told you," he says, not breaking the hug.

"No, Wells did. But he found out from Octavia. But it's fine, I won't go around telling people," she promises.

Bellamy takes another deep breath and then moves away, looking anywhere but her face. "Thank you, but you don't have to be so nice to me, Clarke."

"What?" she frowns, confused.

His eyes meet hers and he just seems very, very tired. "I know you hate me, Clarke. All of our friends know that."

"But I don't."

Bellamy lets out a quiet laugh and shakes his head at that. "Come on, Clarke. You almost fell out of your own friendship group last semester, just to avoid seeing me."

She swallows, trying to come up with a reasonable explanation that doesn't make her seem like a lovesick puppy that she is. "Yes, but not because I hate you."

He rolls his eyes. "Right. Not because you hate me," he looks around for a moment, and then nods. "I'm going to go. Please, let me know if you hear from Octavia."

"No, Bellamy!" she grabs his elbow just as he turns to leave. "I don't hate you. I don't even dislike you. It's the opposite. I always liked you, I even had a crush on you back when we were kids!"

He freezes, then turns to look at her again. "What? That's ridiculous. You didn't even attempt to contact me when I moved. And you kept saying that you couldn't wait to be rid of me."

Clarke sighs in irritation, her cheeks warming up with embarrassment. The situation is so annoying it makes her want to stomp her food like an actual baby.

"I was a stupid, proud kid, Bellamy. I had a crush on you and you were into Raven, and I had to pretend like I was relieved you were leaving." He looks so confused as if someone had just smacked him in the face. Clarke crosses her arms stubbornly. "And anyway, it's not like you attempted to contact me, either."

Bellamy blinks slowly like the drama queen he is. "You loved me?"

She huffs. "Well, as much as a thirteen-year-old can love in romantic sense of that, sure. And then you moved back here with Echo, whom you had dated for five years before that, and you were so good for each other that I felt awful about being jealous that—"

"You were jealous? What, last semester? In September? You still loved me back then?"

Oh, no. There's no taking any of that back now; Bellamy knows. She's such an idiot. She nods anyway.

"And now?"

"Not anymore, no. I'm over it, trust me," she huffs in a way that may be offensive or rude, but she just feels so vulnerable that she doesn't know what else to do.

The words seem to serve the purpose and diffuse the tension, so that Bellamy suddenly goes from shocked or terrified to pensive. He looks at his feet for a few moments.

"Okay, that's good," he says.

That feels somewhat anticlimactic, but Clarke is happy it ended that way. At least he doesn't think she still has feelings for him. Which she does, but he doesn't need to know this.

Her phone makes the sound of a text notification, and she quickly reads it. "Raven says Octavia's with her and they're at a party. Octavia's phone died. Raven's sober tonight so she'll just take her home after the party."

He visibly relaxes. "Good. That's good. Thank you."

Clarke gives him a reassuring smile. "Coffee?"

He lets out another deep sigh. "It's nine pm, but sure, why the hell not," he says, smiling back.

They go to the kitchen together and Clarke puts the kettle on. Bellamy watches her as she moves around the kitchen, staring in a way that makes her feel a little on edge. Not in a bad way, though. Not in a bad way at all.

"Can't believe you loved me," he suddenly says after a few minutes of silence. It sounds like him just thinking out loud and like he didn't expect to have actually said it to her.

Clarke shrugs and gets sugar from the cupboard. "Can't believe I loved you, either."

He huffs a laugh at that. "You know, I loved you, too."

That almost makes her drop a mug. "What?"

"Yeah," he looks at her with a big smile, while Clarke just peers into him, shocked. She suddenly understands what Bellamy felt a few minutes ago when he found out about her past (not really) feelings for him. "For a very long time. Only when I was about thirteen and thought you'd never like me back, the whole short thing with Raven happened."

She sets the mug down a little too forcefully, annoyed. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"Why didn't you?"

She deflates at that because it's not like she can say something in her own defence. She was just an idiot, and it seems like it's a continuing trait. "Yeah, that sounds fair. Here's your coffee."

"Thanks," he says, his eyes alight with laughter. Clarke finds hope in the fact that at least this whole situation somehow cheered him up. He takes a sip and hums approvingly. "Wow. You're good."

She raises an eyebrow in a way that she hopes looks proud. "I know I am."

* * *

From there, it's all uphill. It starts to feel like maybe some of the walls that separated Bellamy and Clarke have finally fallen down, and with them any remains of the past resentments, giving way to a real, good friendship. It is tentative and somewhat rickety at first, but the more time they spend with each other, the less it makes sense that they ever grew apart at all.

A few months after the argument, Clarke shows Bellamy the photos she has of them both, and they spend hours laughing at some of them and reminiscing at the others. She tells him about the death of her father and how she wonders she passed any exams at all as a high school senior struck with grief.

"There went my Harvard acceptance," she says to him, and Bellamy hugs her. "My dad wanted me to go there, he was an alumnus. But it doesn't matter, I'm happy to be here."

"Good," Bellamy says and gives her a soft kiss on a shoulder (Clarke refuses to look at that as anything other than him being supportive).

She ends up getting a job at of an assistant illustrator at a tiny local magazine. The pay is next to nothing, but she has to start somewhere, and she feels like the job is the perfect first step in what seems like the right direction.

By the time graduation rolls around, Clarke doesn't know how she ever lived without Bellamy in her everyday life. It seems like they spend every waking hour either texting, on the phone to each other, or watching movies together. Often they just each do their own thing, Clarke reading something for a class or going over her notes before an exam, and Bellamy reading a book or a magazine. As long as they're in each other's presence, Clarke feels warm and content.

It doesn't feel like she's actually done with college until the day of graduation. Her mother doesn't show up, having sent a text that she has to be in surgery and can't possibly make it, but she is very sorry and sends her regards and best wishes, etc. Bellamy looks proud, Octavia is glowing with excitement, and Raven keeps taking pictures, saying, "Memories are important, Clarke."

After the ceremony is over, all of them agree to meet at the restaurant at seven, and then Raven runs off with Murphy, and Octavia with another recent graduate called Lincoln whom, it appears, she's been dating for months.

Clarke and Bellamy walk back to her and Raven's place, relaxed and content.

"Never thought I'd actually see you graduate," Bellamy says as they go up the stairs to the apartment.

"Yeah, yeah, breaking off our communication was a stupid thing and I'm sorry I did it," Clarke says, without any actual annoyance to it. "Let's just move past it."

"Raven was right earlier today," Bellamy says as Clarke starts unlocking the front door.

"About what?" she asks, confused, letting them both inside.

"That you look really hot in that dress," he tells her, nodding at the dress she is wearing under the graduation gown.

Clarke pauses at that, even looks down at the dress as if she hasn't seen it before. Nothing like this has ever happened. Bellamy's given her compliments before, but never so forward. It's usually along the lines of, "Well, we all know how smart you are, Princess." Nothing about her looks.

"Bellamy?" she looks at him, frowning in confusion.

"Sorry, too much?" he asks, clearly uncomfortable.

Clarke shakes her head. "No, it's not that, I just—" she shrugs, not quite knowing how to put her thoughts into words.

Bellamy purses his lips the way he always does when he's getting serious. "I know you said you're over me and that you don't feel that way before, but. I love you. I just thought you should know."

"Bellamy," she says his name again, not knowing herself what that means.

"Yeah, sorry. I just hope it doesn't ruin anything between us."

Clarke lets out a soft sigh and smiles at him. He's such an idiot. A wonderful, lovely idiot. "Bellamy, it won't ruin anything."

He nods in satisfaction, still tense. "Good. Do you want to watch a movie? We could watch an old classic, something sentimental. Or there's a Netflix—"

"Bellamy, listen," she interrupts, struggling to contain her happy smile. He pauses, listening. "It won't ruin anything because I love you, too."

Bellamy looks at her in that "I can't believe you're saying this" way and smiles back. For a few moments they just stand there, grinning at each other like complete fools. "You do?"

"Yeah, I lied when I said I was over you. Just didn't want things to be weird, you know?"

"Yeah," he nods again, "that makes sense."

"Good."

"Okay," he turns as if to go into the living room, and Clarke giggles.

"Bellamy!"

"What?"

"We should kiss," she tells him.

He laughs at that too, probably having realised how weird he's acting. He takes a few steps towards her. "Okay. We should kiss."

And they do.

* * *

**Thank you for reading, and please, review!**


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